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Trebor Mansion is an Inn, not a B&B. What's
the difference, you
may wonder. Well, an Inn is concerned with lodging for the weary
traveler. Don Quixote lodged at an Inn. If you need a manger to give
birth in and all the motels in town are full, you would go to an Inn -
they will put you somewhere.
A
B&B, on the other hand... Do you remember the Ben Stiller movie
"Flirting With Disaster" where the hapless adoptee sets out on a
journey to discover his roots in the company of a gay police couple who
insist on staying only at B&Bs? Mr. Stiller's character is
forced to endure the trauma of the now standard ordinary B&B
routine. Our hero is accosted by old ladies and botoxed yuppies and
their mind numbingly pointless anecdotes, required to retail his life
story while eating with strangers, tolerate overindulged pets, witness
framed needlepoint atrocities masquerading as Art, and navigate the
pillow-strewn monstrosities that pass for beds in a stereotypical
B&B these days.
Remember
when B&B's used to be sort of eccentric, Bohemian hangouts
where they didn't charge you as much (believe it or not, they used to
cost less than motels) and every place was a adventure?. OK, so some of
them were like an adventure you'd have in a Third World Country, but
they were never boring. Think Bob Newhart and finicky plumbing.
Now
that B&B's are popular, that's all changed. Think Starbucks.
Flip through any B&B catalogue out there these days and you'll
see what I mean. Every place looks the same, like some Twilight Zone
episode where Laura Ashley herself personally chose all the decor ( I
call it “floral camp”) for every room --- faux beau
arts, white painted mantelpieces, four poster beds, blond oak floors,
you name it. It's as if the same folks who brought you McMansions had
mysteriously co-opted the brains of every Martha Stewart wannabe in
creation and foisted them off on the traveling public as authentic
arbiters of taste and elegance. Hint: Elegance is simple, and taste you
can't buy.
Obsequiousness
is what you CAN buy. The prices! Every place within 30 miles of us is $40 to
$400 a night more than we are, and only one of them is nicer
(references on request...). Why? Our personal theory is that it's the
bowing and scraping people shell out the Big bucks for. When you enter
one of these establishments you are fussed over, placated, cosseted and
fawned upon ad nauseum. And that is precisely what we don't offer here.
We figure if you're paying us less than the local motels for truly
luxurious lodging, you'll overlook the fact that we aren't tugging our
forelock every time we encounter you in the parking area. And if you
see us after check in, it will be pure coincidence. Deal?
I
realize most of these places are going for a "Fantasy Ambiance," but I
usually feel like an extra in a sequel to "The Stepford Wives." (If I
wanted to be in a movie it would probably be in something starring
Sylvester Stallone or Eddie Murphy, but maybe that's just me.) My
especial pet peeves are having to stick my fork into something I cannot
identify the constituent ingredients of, and negotiating the
kitchen/living quarters/office of the owners every time I want to leave
my room. Hey, if I wanted to get that close to you, I'd probably shack
up with one of your offspring.
You
won't suffer any of these indignities at the Trebor. If you see us
after check-in, it will be because you came looking for us. There is a
separate entrance and ample privacy in the Inn. If you encounter a pet,
it will be because you are on the porch, and it's just as likely to be
a squirrel as a cat. It will not be a dog. If you like crochet, you are
welcome to indulge yourself, just please don't nail it to the wall.
Want some coffee, tea, a cookie or a cold drink? Help yourselves...
In
fact, we don't offer any special services at the Trebor. I'll be happy
to give you directions, and that's it. Want your pillow fluffed? You
are welcome to find a local street urchin to do it for you. Want a
video, an iron, a hair dryer, fresh cut flowers in your room or
breakfast in bed? Or any breakfast for that matter? Bribe the kids.
keep in mind that if you don't tip 'em the first time, there probably
won't be a second time...
And
we are a Green Inn. If you wish to Hasten the Downfall of Western Civilization, please do it elsewhere. Our favorite guests are the ones who arrive in July driving a Humvee, complain about the price of gas, want to know why their room isn't heated at night, and take 30 minute “Hollywood Showers”. I feel certain they left their heated pool on 6 states from here as well. Elves will come through during the day and
tidy up a bit, but they expect to be tipped. Towels wet? The kids will
hang them out to dry (and they'll smell GREAT) but don't expect freshly
laundered stuff daily- unless of course you want to bribe the kids. All
toiletries are in reusable containers. Bed clothes are line dried. And
watch the toilets! They are the low flow ones our Federal Overlords
designed, and they don't always work as intended.
What it all boils down to is that we are just as
luxurious (400-thread count sheets, hand sewn blankets and quilts,
tiled baths, balconies, beautiful woodwork,) but not as prissy and a
lot more private. And since we are not serving you hand and foot like
medieval serfs, we don't charge you as much.
The
best guests we ever had were from a European Embassy in Washington D.C.
They figured out right away what the Trebor was for. They got some
cigars, wine, bread and cheese and lay around on the front porch for
three days between visits to lakes, waterfalls and local dives and
drinking establishments, where they felt they got the most authentic
view of local character(s).
Come
thou and do likewise.
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